Since my childhood, I have had lots of dreams. Sometimes, it was to become the CEO of HCL, at times engineer then PR, writer, journalist and now I want to explore the academic world by doing PhD. Sounds fancy right? I really wanted to do PhD but somehow I lost that spark and as I can see old fears gathering up in my pristine blue sky, I am determined not to give in. People say I am good at writing which sounds like an exaggeration for me. I am not even half way, I fell into a pit, tried up climbing and ended up being exhausted, still lying in the pit – it is called slump when your creative head meets dead end. Blank. Utter darkness. And you prefer sleeping more than anything. Nowadays, I can not even do that properly. One thing which stayed as a constant in this prolific acrimonious journey, is my reading and writing. As I am getting emotional for something which happened a week ago, it reminded me of the days of my writing. I created a WordPress account which turned out to be a failure. Again slump and I stopped writing. I even stopped journaling. Now that I am facing my fears again ( not like I did not face it in the past), I started writing. 5 years back when I started writing, I knew what I am doing but now I am clueless. I have become desperate and restless. I don’t know what to do with my life and this never ending corona is making my life more terrible.
Somewhere, I don’t know where but i felt like, I need to change my life. Doing studies only is taking me nowhere, leaving me more exhausted and detached. I really don’t know whether I really want to do PhD or not. At times, it feels (the idea of it) exhilarating and burdensome for rest of the time. I am missing spark. Damn!
One thing I am sure of is my love for reading and writing. I want to do it more. The question that I have asked myself, I think somewhere deep within those intertwined nerves, I know the answer. It seems like I am burdening myself more with the grey lining than my pristine blue sky. I can still gain knowledge even without a PhD. But I am scared, following my dreams mean risk, bumpy rides and a shocking heart rate graph. I think, I am too hooked with the idea of finding stability that I have unconsciously made myself unstable in this process.
As clear as dew, is the realization that one can not run the things they dislike for a long time. I just need to be courageous and more open. The bluest realization of all, which again brings me back to the question.